Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars