No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
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The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
had to make it
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*pokes sex life with a stick
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Previously On Persistence 😎