COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
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Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t
GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What is love?