@junejuly12

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

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@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

@NormsRespecter

Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@LeftAtLondon

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on