No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
the greatest twitter interaction
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying