No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?