No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Always the camel, never the toe.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”