No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
this is what they would have looked like, though
