No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.