Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal