Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.