Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

This one, by a wide margin

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO