Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again