No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Good advice.
#SaturdayBears
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Poetry is my passion
A friend helps you before you need it
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs