Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

There is wisdom there.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

Print is alive and well!!!

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.