Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

The Others (2001)

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

I’m not average. I’m mean.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.