Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

🙋‍♀️

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato