“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do