Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

I just tested negative for patience.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

This is my pinned tweet

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]