No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
You Might Also Like
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The government even made aliens boring
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Hoping to spice up my evening
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I like long walks away from everyone
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Had an epiphany today.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”