No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
LMAO.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
For those that worship cheese..
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product