No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Not all heroes wear capes…
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.