No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
the duality of man
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
beware of dog
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter