Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

Artwork by Herta Burbe

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

I’m more of a homeless romantic.