No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
best first i’ve ever seen
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.