Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

then why did i get this email

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

The game has officially changed 😎

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues