Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

British people

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

fixed it

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!