Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.