“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
new wife guy just dropped
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…