“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
You Might Also Like
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds