“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
…u ok Nintendo?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb