“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home