“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
rebranding
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
peeping toms
it’s finally my moment to shine
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
what’s in a name?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele