“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
even bears disappoint their mothers
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.