“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.