No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Yup
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.