No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds