No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.