Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Thursday Thought.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
😂 amazing answer
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f