No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.