No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Our lord and savoury.
