No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Okay, I’m still confused…
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month