Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Mornin

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT