No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim