No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I feel it
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.