No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.