No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
You Might Also Like
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.