Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

journal

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.