Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

honey, bring out the fine china.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Breaking news:

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Breakfast for Stoners:

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy