No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.