Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Everything reminds me of my ex

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”