No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’