Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”