I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
You Might Also Like
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words