No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.