No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget