no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
SCARY COSTUME
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us