no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical