no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My Plans 2020
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere