no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
starting a garage orchestra
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*puts cutlery down*
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
i actually laughed 😩
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler