No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*3.5 thank you very much.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.