No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
i dont have time for this
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.