No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I need to update my racial profile.
Duck typos.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people