No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.