No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
🧠
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish