Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Thaw me like one of your french fries