No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
FRED: right
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Leaving the Barbers like
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
U talkin 2 me?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up