Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”