No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I’ve been learning to cook.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”