Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-