Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

All set.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

This is a true ally.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping