Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.