NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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everyone’s a critic
Wake me when AI does housework
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.