no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My work here is done
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
How is it still this week?
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.