no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”