“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
a public service announcement
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.