no their not
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too