no their not
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
But is it really??
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.