no their not
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Thanks to a fan for this one.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The cashier just checked me out.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game