no their not
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
😭😭😭
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.