no their not
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.